i just feel strange tonight. maybe law school's just getting deep into my system. maybe i'm getting to feel more and more the inevitable changes all around me. maybe i'm faced with the fact that i'm really a selfish little brat and i just want to be alone and to have things always done my way.

i just want to detach myself from everything and live my life the way i used to where i can do anything i want and go anywhere i want without anyone observing my every move. i want to go back to college and feel safe in the company of friends i've known for a long time. i want to drive alone with my favorite sounds drowning out all negative thoughts. i want to live and feel life as a free, independent individual without any hang-ups and excess baggage.

sorry for the weird talk, this is probably the effect of studying for 4 straight hours. i was never able to do that in college because i always fell asleep every 10 minutes while studying. especially if the subject was physio.

Labels: law school, rant

before we went to the concert [ which was held at aliw theather in star city ], we [ weki, vinci, pat and aikee ] met up first at vinci's condo at robinson's place. we had dinner and then met di and bj at the concert. we saw a lot of ateneans there as expected. ela was there also. everyone was dressed up, some were even wearing semi-formal outfits. i really felt underdressed in my normal shirt, jeans and flip flops. i've just been used to the idea of dressing casually during concerts because i always associate it with large crowds and yosi and chaos. i forgot that the duncan sheik concert was going to be a mellow one. anyway, it was probably the first time in months i've seen such a large number of people in their gimmick clothes. [ 1. i don't actually go out much 2. i've been so used to seeing the dressed down UP crowd that seeing dressed up people is such a novelty ]

the concert was great, as i anticipated, from paolo santos' to stephen speaks' to duncan sheik's performances. we just had to sleep through some parts of stephen speaks' act because we are just so tired of 'passenger seat'. duncan sheik generally looked the same since i last saw him at his concert in star cafe 6 years ago. he only changed his image a bit. the crowd was ok also. they're all game. some guy at the back kept on screaming 'pogi'. hehe. we were already standing in front, less than a meter away from him during the last two songs. there was even a time when pat and i actually ran to the middle aisle just to take a picture of him. we must've looked really desperate. hehe. we were all laughing at ourselves for being jologs, but who the hell cares anyway.

it was fun hanging out with the harkadah again. we were just exchanging jokes the whole night, laughing at people, catching up on each other's life, trading sentiments on the good old college days and how much we really miss it. i remember last friday, i met up with jenny and penny at e-telecare during my 4-hour break. [ apparently, "arn-arn" didn't assign much readings so i need not use the break to cram ] whenever i'm with them, i just feel like i'm immersing myself in a different time frame. despite the changes we've gone through individually, we still have a common ground. we can still relate with each other as if we never graduated and separated. and it just feels so good.

i guess i have to study now. vinci made me realize how much of a slacker i've been when he told us about his study habits in UP med school. no wonder i've been getting really bad recitations for the past week. heehee.

Labels: gig, harkadah

she'll be home in around 10 days, papa left for the states today to fetch her. now i'll be forced to run an empire.

Labels: family

if my life was disposable, i would've thrown it out the window a long time ago.

i'm not, never was, and can never be objectively pretty. my problem on looks and its effect on my dwindling self-esteem has been a problem in my system since i was three. i still don't feel that i possess something else that could compensate for it, i still don't attract people, and i just want to kill myself. what's worse is that i'm already 21 and i'm still whining and getting seriously affected by this problem. it would've been understandable if i were 12 or 13 or on my pre-adolescent stage. but nooooooo. and no matter how much society denies it, good-looking people, especially women, get treated by society better than plain or ugly looking ones.

'just felt like reiterating one of life's harsh truths.

Labels: rant