bad news: i dropped civpro!

[ fyi, civil procedure is a 5 unit subject i'm supposedly taking with my block this sem. my reason for dropping is not because of the course per se, but because of the teacher. unfortunately for us, we got the worst teacher who teaches the subject. ]

during the first few weeks of class, i was determined to pursue the course til the very end, but given the unreasonable load and the stress i get every class, i don't think it's worth it. i've been contemplating to drop since last year though, since the number of casualties increase every meeting. [ so far i'm the 10th person who dropped already. it's like survivor, but you get to vote yourself out ] i finally decided to drop after the 6-9 make up class last friday [ that night i missed half of my mom's birthday dinner because of the class ], when she assigned three more rules of civil procedure to memorize. i haven't had a single good recitation yet, i've collected two singkos and two absences already, and i feel that i'm her probable target for recitation next meeting. and since i felt that i wouldn't be able to study, much more memorize, the assigned rules in a few hours without compromising my other subjects, i decided to just quit it. besides, i've accumulated pages and pages of backlog already; i don't know how i'll be able to memorize and study everything for midterms. and i've been intimidated at how conversant my blockmates [ the ones who didn't drop ] are with the law. i've conceded to the fact that i'm pretty much behind when it comes to schoolwork compared to my blockmates. i would die if i continue with the subject and then find out in the end that i'm the only one who didn't meet the passing mark.

because of that decision, i've gone through a moment of tranquil bliss to an episode of guilt and pressure in a matter of hours. upon deciding that i wanted to drop, i just felt a surge of inner peace descend upon me. i felt stupid smiling all by myself in my room, thinking of all the free time i could have and the reduced stress i'm entitled to [ daisy and i were talking about this feeling last week. di lang pala ako. hehe ]. it's like, as one of my blockmates ms. milla [ who's similarly situated ] termed it, pamaskong handog sa sarili. hehe. i felt free from the bondage of ma'm avena's class forever. but after having it signed, knowing it's irrevocable, i begin to think of all the consequences of what i've done. in a way, i feel guilty that i'm not there suffering in class with the rest of the block. plus, i feel pressured to do extremely well in all the other subjects; i have no more excuse to get bad grades after the burden of civpro has been taken off my back. and i also feel that i have too much time in my hands. some of my blockmates who have dropped admit that they've slacked off more since they dropped the subject. although i feel i'm not going to succumb to the same situation no matter how tempting it may be, i just feel that there's something wrong because i'm not doing anything much. while watching ocean's 12 and eating dinner last night at libis with neil, i felt something unsettling in my head, that i didn't have the right to enjoy the night, that i had to study. gawd. i didn't know dropping can effectuate such a cursed feeling.

now, with a lot of free time on my hands, i've been looking for things to keep me busy. somehow i think dropping was a wrong decision. having free time gives you a lot of room to complain and think about quitting law school altogether. i was reoriented with the interests i knew i wouldn't be able to pursue when i entered law school because of the lack of time or the absence thereof. i've been thinking about studying graphic design or art or photography classes or writing workshops or part time jobs - anything. despite all this, i promise - i swear - i won't let my grades suffer. the moment i think about dropping law school again, please contact my dad so he could give me a whack on the head. maybe i'd rather finish law school even if i'm not so passionate about it than quit right now and be left suspended in mid-air, with all the interests i want to pursue but i couldn't start doing anyway. i don't want to quit law school without the assurance that i'll get an equally stable future.